Hurt
by Onomatopeia Jones
Summary: And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. Rated for drug use, character death, and thematic elements.
1. Chapter 1

Hurt

_I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away. I remember everything._

I go through the motions. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I'm alive, but just barely. I don't feel anymore. I can't. You need a heart for that, and Emilie took that with her when she...

No. Not thinking about that today. Not thinking about that all, not once I...

Oh, God, I need this. I need this like you don't even know. I'm slowly killing myself. I know that. Maybe I want to die. Emilie...

_**"Spot, I can't take it anymore. Make your choice: me or the drug." **_

I looked up at her. I was just getting ready to shoot up. "Em, please don't," I said, pausing for a moment before I injected the venom.

She had tears in her eyes. "Spot," she whispered. I knew she wanted me to choose her, and I wanted more than anything else to choose her. Instead, I slid the needle into my arm. She crumpled. Her beautiful blue eyes filled with tears. I knew I'd hurt her, but I was too far on my way into H-Land to care. She turned and walked away, leaving me alone with my high. 

What kind of man am I? I let myself be controlled by my addiction. I broke the heart of the only person I ever really loved, who ever really loved me. All the way from high school til now, she put up with my shit. She was a good woman, better than I deserve. She's better off without me...Oh, thank GOD. The drug takes its affect, and for a moment I'm in bliss and I forget all about how I screwed it up with Emilie.


	2. Chapter 2

_What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt._

My high has worn off, and I'm plunged back into reality. I haven't seen a blue sky since she left, you know that? Emilie was...Emilie was wow. She had this long curly auburn hair. It looked like the color of fall leaves when the sun hit it just right. Her eyes were the most amazing, clearest blue you'll ever see in your entire life. If you ever see her, tell her I miss her, and I'm sorry. I look at our picture on my desk. It was taken just after we were married. We were so happy. I was clean. What we didn't know then was that just six months after, I'd start using again. Em was furious. I still remember the way she looked at me. Oh, man. It was horrible. Why is it that heroin makes me forget the things I want to remember, like the feeling of her skin against mine, or the firmness of her pregnant belly, or the way her eyes would dance when she smiled. All the things I love about her. All the things that made life worth living.

I forget all the things I love, but all my demons I remember. This thing, this Goddamned needle! It cost me my friends, early on. They were smart enough to stay away in high school. They could see how bad I was gonna turn out. You know, I think Emilie saw that, too, but she didn't care. For some unfathomable reason, she stayed with me, through thick and thin. It wasn't until our daughter, a beautiful little girl named Zoe, found my stash and nearly OD'ed that Em left. Then, it was only for Zoe's sake. That's...wow. That's my brother, my mother, my wife, my daughter, my friends...all gone. Everyone goes away in the end.

Sure, I do well at my job. I have a fairly high position. But you know what? I'd trade it all for another day with Em and Zoe.


	3. Chapter 3

_I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair. Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else. I am still right here. _

Zoe would be five by now. I wonder if Emilie's found anyone new yet? A real father for Zoe. Someone who'll raise her right. Someone who'll treat Emilie like the queen she is. I sit at my desk. My office has a huge window in it, with an incredible view. Today, I can't hel but think out loud, "Emilie would love this view."

My secretary, a pretty little brunette with big dark eyes, stands in the doorway. "Um, sir? There's a woman here, with a little girl. She won't leave...She says that it's Zoe's birthday."

I look up at the girl. "Send them in immediately."

"Yes, sir," she says, scampering off to follow my order. As if I deserve that kind of respect...

In walks Emilie, my love, my life, with a little girl clinging to her legs. It shocks me how much she looks like me. Somehow, I always expected her to look like her mother. Emilie gives the little girl a slight shove in my direction. "Go on, honey. Go see your daddy."

The girl shyly approaches me, unsure of how to act. I'm too bewildered by the whole thing to really comprehend. Zoe puts her small, tender hand on my large, rough one, and I crumple. "Oh, honey," I say, pulling my daughter to me and holding onto her for dear life, as if she might disappear at any moment. My shoulders are shaking with silent sobs. In my younger days, I would've been far too proud to even think of being like this. I was always the tough, unemotional one. I didn't show anything. I'm too tired for that, though. It takes too much effort to keep up that barrier.

"Spot?" Emilie says, looking at me with concern in the beautiful blue eyes of hers. Her voice is so warm and tender. She hasn't changed a bit since I saw her last. Yet, somehow, she's more different than ever.

"Spot, we need to talk," she says softly. I look up at her and nod.


	4. Chapter 4

_What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt._

I sit with my head in my hands. I am sitting on the blue couch, and Emilie is sitting in the overstuffed tan chair.

"Em, I'm so sorry."

"I know, Spot."

"I was wrong, and stupid, and I've regretted everything since you left."

"I know, Spot."

"I don't deserve to see my daughter grow up."

"Spot, I want to move back in with you."

"What?" Is Emilie out of her mind? The home of an addict is no place to raise a child! That's why she left in the first place. I tell her as much, and she moves next to me on the couch.

"Spot, Zoe needs a father. She needs you."

I shake my head. "Em, you need to move on and find a man who's worth your time."

"I did. I have his ring on my finger and I gave birth to his child."

I shake my head again. "Emilie Conlon, you are the craziest woman to walk the face of the earth."

She nods. "Gabriel Conlon, you are the most broken man to walk the face of the earth. Our family is broken. I'm tired of raising Zoe alone."

"If I'm broken, why do you want me?"

"We can heal together. We can mend our little family."

I sigh. "No. I already hurt you enough. I'm not doing it again." This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but she's better off without me.

She draws in a shaky breath. "Fine, if that's what you want."

And I watch her walk out of my life once again. This time, I won't let her walk back in. I won't be there to come back to.


End file.
